New, Fall 2011

I'm unable to explain (even to myself) why I do the things I do. It seems as though I push people away before they can get close enough to hurt me. I do believe though if you let something go, if it comes back it was yours - if it doesn’t it never was. I learned from Justin this summer what in a healthy ‘grown-up’ relationship looks and feels like. He found me when I was already happy, this way we could share our happiness and carefree behaviors without worry or doubt. There was no games. There was no doubt in my mind that things, as simple as they were, were going to be all right. Justin was rare. Rare in the sense that we were so alike… it almost didn’t seem realistic.

I’m unsure why my sky-high walls are back up. I need to redirect my happiness to pleasing myself and taking care of me. I have focused my mind on staying clear and staying on task while staying creative! I’ve realized that I don’t need someone to bring me happiness and that I can obtain it for myself.

Next time, I’ll be braver.

Sigmund Freud

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.

Sigmund Freud

Daydreaming thoughts.

Directly from my notebook:

One, 2, 3, four, V, sex.
not playing games-buts still playing (cause its fun) how could it be any other way?
what constitutes being "real"
It might as well be an underlying balance between comfort, trust/lust
with a touch of compassion and attention
i'm craving sugar.
mhmm sugar
you're my sugar.
not good for me but you're too sweet to resist
can i get a little?
can i get a lot?
giving me a sugar rush just thinking~i just can't get enough

I can redirect my happiness.
I have NEVER been this happy.
(feels so good!)

IT'S PERSONAL (person L)

you make me wonder if i can........ (if i am...)
teach you something new, something you've never felt before, something you only feel w/ me.

i can't concentrate . . . ..
unconditional

i can hear and see everything clearly

EMBRACE THIS MOMENT, COMMIT TO IT -- -
IT'S YOURS

Branded

Butterflies -metaphorically

All this is, is two people with different lifestyles, different plans, different backgrounds and stories that have come together for a moment and decided whether or not to devote even more of a minutes time together to see if this new connection would be worth it. As far as I can tell, I'm glad it was on both ends. Simple yet violent butterflies inside my half beaten stomach from lost loves before and circling as if to have my hand out the window, driving down the the streets of the big city with lights pointed only directly at me. Oh and there is a cup of sweet tea in my cup holder of course!

Our Youth

Amanda and Her Cousin Amy, by Mary Ellen

"IN 1990, Peter Howe at Life magazine sent me to North Carolina to photograph a special school for children with problems. The school was a very strange place because all of the twenty or so children were in the same classroom and their problems ranged from mild behavior instability to severe schizophrenia.

Nine-year-old Amanda was the most interesting child in the class. She was my favorite child. Amanda was very intelligent and very naughty. One day I followed her home on the school bus. When the bus stopped at her house, she dashed ahead of me and ran into a nearby wooded area. I continued to follow her into the woods and eventually found her sitting in an old stuffed chair having a cigarette. She thought that I would reprimand her since I was an adult. But I said nothing.

The following Sunday, I spent the day at home with Amanda and her mother. Amanda totally controlled her mother. She constantly gave her orders and proceeded to put on her mother’s nail polish and makeup. Amanda smoked openly in front of her. Her 8-year-old cousin Amy was coming over, and she was very excited. All day long, Amanda and her cousin played like children. Every forty-five minutes or so, Amanda would take a break to have a cigarette. Her mother could say nothing; Amanda was the boss.

Just before I left, I looked for Amanda to say good-bye. I found her and Amy in the backyard. They were in a children’s inflatable pool. Amanda was taking her regular cigarette break."