Irresistible Impulse

There is a phrase I’ve forgotten… something along the lines of “go with your gut feeling” but the impulsiveness of a ‘gut feeling’ may not always be the best bet. I can’t exactly preach to the choir, but the unhealthy reactions that I’ve given out lately seem to come at the wrong time… or wrong moment, where if I would let time play its course than I would have nothing to worry about.

(ARRR) wrong.

Where is my safety net? I envy those who can fall into a net of controlled thought. My mind seems to work so impulsively with no control like air pockets in bubble wrap that seem to keep popping making the problem worse than supporting what the comfortable plastic is actually there for (realization and control).

Ah, I agree, the mind is a terrible thing to waste, but how exactly to control the minds impulses is one technique that may benefit and allow me to take advantage of not giving a shit about things that don’t matter.

Jean-Luc - Trust

Here are three things I know to be true:

1. I know that Jean-Luc was right when he said a "a good story has a beginning middle and end" although not necessarily in that order
2. Not all that glitters is gold - but it might in your eyes under a certain light
3. I'm still young, and gathering all my past/present knowledge and experiences to learn what I do not know of the future

Dan Brown suggested that the key to the future is hidden in our past and also that trust (powerful truth) has its own gravity and eventually pulls people back to it. (i'm not going to lie- hah) but trust is a huge issue for me and I can't help but keep past events on my personal back burner. It's easy to pull back a page and rip it out of a book, but it's unrealistic to pull a page from my past in fear that it may be the key to my future. I do believe that people come in and out of our lives for reasons whether it is to teach us lessons or change our attitudes but how can I shake this horrible quality that has been embedded in me for almost four years?

Let the pages keep turning in hopes that my experiences and growth will help me take control of my future to be the best person I can possibly be.

Fade Into Darkness

New Thangz

"I'm not sure why we didn't meet earlier but that's life. Things happen a certain reason and then something better comes along when you least expect it"

The Real Housewives of South Boston

Walls/Relationship

The term "breaking down my walls" has been coming up a lot lately with different people with different scenarios. It's only human nature to build up a wall to seem mysterious and or not be 'broken down' or heart broken down. I've started to realize that i'm not an architect. I understand that keeping thoughts behind closed doors is one thing, but these 'walls' we have created don't allow people to see who we really are. I'm not saying that i'm going to tell my deepest secrets to someone right away, but I just can't help but figure out why we would build walls to have them destroyed right around us.



The label of a "Relationship" is becoming unclear to me. Don't we have relationships with almost everyone we come encounter with? I could say that I'm in a relationship with my best friend... but that isn't the type of situation that you would label. So why label being in a relationship? If it is for security to be bound to someone and be faithful then yes, your insecurities are sky rocketed because the label of being in a relationship is exactly what you don't need. Why can't we just enjoy each others company to learn and grow together as people. Thats all we really are. Lets let our creative minds flow into the endless unknown and value the time that we have left. I know that if we are "in a relationship" that we spend our time together wisely and are helping each other find the pieces to the puzzle that are called trust.

feeling loving today, spread the word!

i(wantanew)phone

I'm not one for "new" technology, but I have to say, the new iphone4s is something I want to get my hands on! I've had the same blackberry for a while which only texts/calls (wow! no internet? i must live in the stone age!) but don't we deserve to treat ourselves sometimes? These past two weeks have been busy beyond belief and upon getting loads or work done, hitting the gym and coffee dates with friends, whose to say i'm not eligible for the new iphone?! ... to be continued.

New, Fall 2011

I'm unable to explain (even to myself) why I do the things I do. It seems as though I push people away before they can get close enough to hurt me. I do believe though if you let something go, if it comes back it was yours - if it doesn’t it never was. I learned from Justin this summer what in a healthy ‘grown-up’ relationship looks and feels like. He found me when I was already happy, this way we could share our happiness and carefree behaviors without worry or doubt. There was no games. There was no doubt in my mind that things, as simple as they were, were going to be all right. Justin was rare. Rare in the sense that we were so alike… it almost didn’t seem realistic.

I’m unsure why my sky-high walls are back up. I need to redirect my happiness to pleasing myself and taking care of me. I have focused my mind on staying clear and staying on task while staying creative! I’ve realized that I don’t need someone to bring me happiness and that I can obtain it for myself.

Next time, I’ll be braver.

Sigmund Freud

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.

Sigmund Freud

Daydreaming thoughts.

Directly from my notebook:

One, 2, 3, four, V, sex.
not playing games-buts still playing (cause its fun) how could it be any other way?
what constitutes being "real"
It might as well be an underlying balance between comfort, trust/lust
with a touch of compassion and attention
i'm craving sugar.
mhmm sugar
you're my sugar.
not good for me but you're too sweet to resist
can i get a little?
can i get a lot?
giving me a sugar rush just thinking~i just can't get enough

I can redirect my happiness.
I have NEVER been this happy.
(feels so good!)

IT'S PERSONAL (person L)

you make me wonder if i can........ (if i am...)
teach you something new, something you've never felt before, something you only feel w/ me.

i can't concentrate . . . ..
unconditional

i can hear and see everything clearly

EMBRACE THIS MOMENT, COMMIT TO IT -- -
IT'S YOURS

Branded

Butterflies -metaphorically

All this is, is two people with different lifestyles, different plans, different backgrounds and stories that have come together for a moment and decided whether or not to devote even more of a minutes time together to see if this new connection would be worth it. As far as I can tell, I'm glad it was on both ends. Simple yet violent butterflies inside my half beaten stomach from lost loves before and circling as if to have my hand out the window, driving down the the streets of the big city with lights pointed only directly at me. Oh and there is a cup of sweet tea in my cup holder of course!

Our Youth

Amanda and Her Cousin Amy, by Mary Ellen

"IN 1990, Peter Howe at Life magazine sent me to North Carolina to photograph a special school for children with problems. The school was a very strange place because all of the twenty or so children were in the same classroom and their problems ranged from mild behavior instability to severe schizophrenia.

Nine-year-old Amanda was the most interesting child in the class. She was my favorite child. Amanda was very intelligent and very naughty. One day I followed her home on the school bus. When the bus stopped at her house, she dashed ahead of me and ran into a nearby wooded area. I continued to follow her into the woods and eventually found her sitting in an old stuffed chair having a cigarette. She thought that I would reprimand her since I was an adult. But I said nothing.

The following Sunday, I spent the day at home with Amanda and her mother. Amanda totally controlled her mother. She constantly gave her orders and proceeded to put on her mother’s nail polish and makeup. Amanda smoked openly in front of her. Her 8-year-old cousin Amy was coming over, and she was very excited. All day long, Amanda and her cousin played like children. Every forty-five minutes or so, Amanda would take a break to have a cigarette. Her mother could say nothing; Amanda was the boss.

Just before I left, I looked for Amanda to say good-bye. I found her and Amy in the backyard. They were in a children’s inflatable pool. Amanda was taking her regular cigarette break."

If I should have a daughter...

Mac Miller

Shining like my high beams

Portman.

some nice flow happinin

Goodbye Maine.

This roller-coaster of a year is slowly coming to an end. I can't say I haven't enjoyed almost every minute of it though. The late night drinking, burn cruises, new relationships, memories and cigarets. The times i'll never remember and the times i'll never forget. Now that I think of it - it's actually kinda sad. I've built up this strange crop growing, slow moving and earthy part of town as my own and learned to live a different lifestyle in a combined three years. I know i'll be here for another year-in-a-half but i've felt like i've left a pretty decent mark in a different state/state of mind.

Jac Vanek

I'm completely feeling jac vanek. Been a fan for a while, but oh yea, this gaudi-inspired holy land is beyond imaginable. keep killing it girl.

This revolutionary tshirt artist and music loving earth-child is someone who I envy, because she isn't afraid to express how shes feeling via twitter/blogs/ect but not only is she a self made women with small passions that have built into a well known brand but she has taken on the indie world and transformed her thoughts into inventory that can been seen almost anywhere.

Maybe i'll follow next to her footsteps. Not in them - but create my own path! thanks for the inspiration miss vanek

I Know This Ramblin Man..

You ain't ever gonna change
you got a gypsy soul to blame
and you were born for leavin'.

He thinks of Massachusetts-
and the girl he left behind him

Finite vs. Infinite

It's captivating to think what in this world will last and what will not. I will not last forever but what does and what doesn't? I complied a list of whimsical things that will last and random things that will not. It's actually bizarre to think about-

Finite
-money
-touch
-civilization
-plane rides
-emotional distress
-being alive
-being asleep and awake

Infinite
-time
-love
-memory
-black holes
-weather patterns
-waves
-being dead
-being remembered

Happiness

You are responsible for you're own happiness.

Starry Starry Night

A Year From Now

Romance

Granted our time is short,
we are unique in ways never to be forgotten. To infinity and beyond.


"Romance is alive."

Legendary-

Crazy Heart

This ain't no place to lose your mine -

Hearts

Redirection

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails" JD.
I'm taking flight in my career and making some serious changes. I cannot wait to engage in what this life has to offer! I believe that you lose every opportunity you do not take - so I'm being extra greedy ;)

BIGGER and better...

I've only been in New York City for a few hours now and not only have I fallen back in love with the big apple but I'm making moves! 5th Ave, SoHo, cocktails, live bands, time sq. I just can't get enough! I was ready for this new adventure out of my comfort zone - on another note - this must be the year for rekindling old flames! and i love it! there are certain people you just keep coming back to -

Thicker Skin

the smallest things make my heart break a little, like seeing your name come up on my itunes from sending me your country playlists. But I want to thank you - because you made me that much stronger.

You Never Know

Sometimes, the person who tries to keep everyone happy is always the most lonely person, so never leave them alone because they will never say that they need you when they really do.

Bleach Black

Did you make up your mind?

Did I waste too much time?
Did you make up your mind?

The Truth

I poured my heart and soul into an email to you. how do you not respond to someone's soul? no matter how over whelming or sincere it may be...

dream interpretation

All of my teeth fell out of my mouth in my dream last night. I took them out of my mouth and right into my hands as if they were fake and breaking. I rushed myself to the hospital and held my jaw in my hands. I needed to know what this meant because I believe that dreams (like Sigmund Freud claims) are the root to the subconscious mind. so i looked it up...


Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth symbolize power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream may be an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the importance of what you have to say.

putting it all on the line

The fact that you don't seem to want me anymore was apparent. It was blatantly starting at my face, as if it has been waiting for me to take it in. But what really hurt was the fact that it seems as if I don't even deserve an explanation from you. A simple reason why you don't need me anymore, or a head's up - something like, "Hey, look out, I'm going to break your heart into trillion pieces, okay?"

Not even a single word.

1,000 miles

It seems that with relationships the best part of them is the beginning. How can you ignore the butterflies and breath of the wind that seems to be whistling at you because nothing in this world is better than being soulfully wrapped up in love. I was scared to fall for you, since our past is nothing sort of high highs and low lows but I'm into taking chances. But I'm not into breaking hearts. There is nothing worse, then a broken heart.. nothing. The feeling that your chest cavity has been cracked and is bruised from the inside out. Its hard to give second chances, anyone who has knows what I mean. The volt of memories locked away that remerge when any image, word, color, sound, feeling or emotion reminds you of them (your second chance). So take this with a grain of salt but keep feeling, keep loving, I'm still learning and loving but also taking everything for what it is worth. I can comfortably say, that right now, I'm happy. Although I may be confused on where I stand with you, I'm happy with what we have and who we are together. I'm keeping an open heart and mind and seeing where this new or rekindled love takes me.

Reticent

Superhero

"The perfect type of person I would be with is a fellow superhero. So while I'm already flying we'll fly together."

-Kanye West

The 55.

life

“Life is a malevolent force, which seeks to destroy you, and you have to struggle with it. Only those who are hard enough will succeed. Most people get crushed, but if you fight, in the end life will go, “Fucking hell. This one’s serious. Let him through.”
—Russell Brand

Teenage Romance. but I'm not a teenager.

I'm scared to let my walls down for you. I'm not so young anymore.

Colours

Where Is Mine?

My Answer: No way. At least, I don't think so. That takes all the fun out of it. Sure, you might be able to forego heartbreak and disappointment, but you're likely to avoid all relationships until that moment because you know they'll end. It's like the worst thing to hang over a relationship..... a big ol' sign saying "Destined to fail!".

Perfect

2011

In 2011, I hope you find the strength to let go of those people and things that are keeping you down. Let go of lost loves, bad habits, and negativity. Shine a little brighter, walk with your head higher, and smile at everyone you meet. Shake hands with a firm grip, indulge in chocolate when you crave it, and try to incorporate a little bit of glitter in every outfit. Spend a little too much on your favorite lipgloss, and pinch more pennies otherwise. Make it a rule to say "i love you" to at least one person every single day, even if it's to yourself (you deserve it). Write a list of your hopes and dreams, and sleep with them under your pillow each night. Thank those who inspire you, and aim to inspire others.




Wear your fanciest dress to do the laundry, and don't forget to say "please" and "thank you". Be a woman of morals, grace, and gratitude. Promise yourself that you will give 2011 your absolute best and don't settle for anything less from others. This is your year. This is the year you were born to shine. It's going to be the best one yet! Can you tell I'm excited?!

What U R NOT

You are not your bra-size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe-size is of no consequence. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any combination thereof. You are not the number of sit-ups you can do, nor are you the number of calories in a day. You are not your mustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not a little red dress. You are no amalgam of these things.

You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.

Happy.

RE-evaluate

It's a fresh start. It's a new year. It's time to reevaluate those little points in your life that you want to change for the better. For me: i've changed my criteria for falling in love. I've decided that instead of meeting the most beautiful man at the bar.. that I want to fall for someone who is deep enough for me to jump into the depth of their everything and let me explore. I want to get lost exploring in anything but simplistic.